I heard that each individual chicken pox that is on your child represents every sin you’ve ever committed as a parent.
For example the time you gave your 1000% baby led weaned 7 month old an Ella’s kitchen pouch. (This by the way means that your child is no longer baby led weaned whatsoever as its impossible to ‘do a bit of both’ spoon feeding and finger feeding. Nuh uh. Naughty.)
Or the time your toddler woke up in the night calling for you and instead of going straight in you quickly checked your Facebook notifications.
Or when your nipples felt like they were gonna fall off so you let your friend give your baby a bottle whilst you had a bath. Don’t you know that this will create life long mental and physical health problems and karma will come and bite you on the arse when your baby is a toddler and is riddled in chicken pox?! That’s for daring to even think about yourself and your health! (when you become a parent you hand over your rights to do nice things for yourself and if you ever do dare to do something nice then it goes on the chicken pox data base and appear on your baby’s body in years to come)
Freddie was riddled in chicken pox. Judging by my theory this says a lot about my parenting. Unfortunately for me he decided to get chicken pox after I made a pledge to give up alcohol. Cheeky sod. And do you know what the most annoying thing was? His chicken pox came up the DAY after I had paid his nursery bill for the month. Absolute ball ache.
So off we went to the pharmacy for supplies. They told me that anti histamines will take the itch away but may make him a bit drowsy. Oh no, what a shame I thought… I’ll take five bottles please! In my defence he was up alllllll night itching and rubbing his body along the bed like a dog rubs his arse along the floor when he has worms.
He was off nursery for a week so by the time he was ready to go back I was willing to pay them an extra lump sum if it meant I could eat a meal in peace without having Freddie bend over in front of me to itch the chicken pox on his bum hole.
So my message to all you parents with delightful little babies who have not yet had chicken pox is to NEVER break the rules. Don’t cut yourself any slack at all. Don’t even think about treating yourself to a few drinks with your other mum friends and leaving a bottle of expressed milk or formula at home so dad can feed the baby and you can have a nice time. You will regret it and your punishment will be served! (just joking, it doesn’t actually matter what you do, your child will get chickenpox and it will be hell so go out and get wasted with your friends and stock up on your Ella’s kitchen pouches)